Monday, August 8, 2011

Music flowed through my fingers...

Today, for the first time in awhile, I sat down at the piano.. and played.
It felt so good to be a part of music again. I had avoided the piano for awhile, for some reason or another. But today, for some reason, I felt ready, to sit and play again. So I did. And I'm so glad.

I sat, with the door open, for all the neighbors to hear
closed my eyes.. and let my fingers do the work. Though I had been distant, and avoiding, or hiding the music for whatever reason, my fingers hadn't ever left the music. They found their way over the keys, and to my surprise, made music. Beautiful music. That I had neglected for so long.
I can't even explain how amazed I was that though my mind and the rest of my body had neglected the piano, my fingers knew the way.. and they unashamedly, and unabashedly led the way. Making lovely sounds, that left me, awestruck.

Piano... tomorrow. You and me. Same time. Same place. Same tunes :]

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I know, I know.. only I could blog about a movie trailer...
Anyway.. when I was in the theater, waiting to see "Mr. Poppers Penguins" -cute movie, by the way- this trailer came on.. and ask Anthony, I whipped out my pen and notebook from my purse that instant, and starting jotting everything down.. (Maybe now he'll understand why)
FIRST.. watch the trailer, if you haven't already, I posted the link... then when I'm talking about my observations.. the pictures will be fresh on your mind!

So.. lets imagine for a moment, that we are SCRAT... It's quite an appropriate name, for the messes that we are, at times, don't you think?.. so- you can drop the squirrel part. But imagine we're Scrat.. instead of an acorn, we're holding on to this ONE sin... we can't seem to ever let it go, and we're totally going out of our way to keep it, harbor it deeper and deeper inside... even though, as the acorn was, it's tearing our world apart, and even effecting others around us.. cracking our world, changing things for the worst.. making us look bad... the list goes on and on.
I know that I'm guilty of this at times.. letting go of things is NOT my strong front.. not at all. I'm guilty, like Scrat was doing, of holding on to that one sin, or that one burden, that one past regret... and letting it tear me and my world totally apart... Holding on to it, for my dear life, though it's the death of me.. knowing that letting it go, is for the best, but not wanting too, or even knowing where to start..

I could go on and on, and rambel.. but I think you get the point already. It's a pretty simple concept. So anyway.. to bring this to a close-- you know the verse!! give your burdens to him :) you don't have to do it alone.. he gives you strength :)

Drivers license.. and an unexpeced thing that's come of that..

Mmm... 16. Such a sweet age.
Finally, after studying, taking the written test, passing, getting my permit, driving with my permit, and with an adult for 6 months, taking my drivers test, passing, going to the revenue office, filling out a mound of paperwork... I have a license! and I haven't wasted any time putting it to use!! the day of, I drove me and my sister to church.. day after, drove me and all my sissies to the church for a meeting, then me, Gwen and Brenda to the movies!! since then, I've been driving the past couple days to and from a ladies house to do housework, and yard-work for her... I've grown up occasionally going to her house, so I was fairly confident on knowing the way, I'm familiar with the kind of roads I'm traveling on, there isn't much traffic and it's a beautiful drive.. not to mention only 17 minutes to get there.. and 15 to get back.. (which is easier on my gas fund, than going into town would be)

I love the drive every morning.. The radio signal for my station won't reach all the way out there.. so I keep it off, and enjoy the time in silence.. (I don't get much of that) then for those times, when I've had a couple minutes of silence (and I can't stand any more) I pray aloud, to God, not having to worry about who's listening.. I can just be me, with My God, no-one else around, to hear me, and be critical over the words I'm using, or the things I'm praying for. I'm grateful for that time every morning.. to just be alone with Jesus.. to get to know him better, get to share more with Him, and hopefully (ultimately) become MORE like him...

anyway.. sorry, I went off on one of my little sermons.. it's great having a chance to spread my wings, while still being close, not spending too much money on gas, making money the hard way, getting closer to God, being responsible for ONLY myself... not 4 other siblings and my dad, which leads me to my other thing BEING ON TIME!!! :)))))
and don't worry.. I'm being totally responsible. Going the speed limit, not using a phone while driving, blinkers.. the whole nine yards!
who knew that a little plastic card, with my picture on it.. could mean so much?

Friday, May 27, 2011

Men CAN understand women.. to some extent.

We've all heard it said that it's impossible for men to completely understand women.. and at first, we've all nodded our heads in agreement. Because it's a no-brainier that God made us all very complex, individuals. BUT don't lose hope, dear one's. It's all in the wording. We only agreed that it's impossible for men to COMPLETELY understand women. Women don't even completely understand themselves. And they can only ask of you, what they themselves are doing. Right?

so.. now that we've established that it's false that you, as men can't ever completely understand women.. but you can understand them, to some extent. There is NO excuse at all.. for you to not try to understand us, at least a little bit. So. Let's start over.. and reshape your beliefs about understanding the opposite sex. Here are some tips to all you men .. or boys. Who are hoping to understand their girlfriend, fiance, wife.. to all of you, who are SO completely lost, on where to start at understanding women.. but intrigued by
the idea that it is possible for you to do so.
Here we go!
Start off with things you have in common.. that makes it a lot less scary.. and less intimidating to you. It helps you to realize they are only an opposite sex, not species.
It helps you to feel more comfortable around them, which makes everything else a lot easier on the both of you!
Second of all.. get to know her. Yes, it's really that simple. Girls talk a LOT.. if you take them bowling, out for ice-cream.. or whatever. You'll hear them talk a lot about some pretty random stuff. Just listen to them, take note of things they say, and learn from them. They'll be like "Oh my gosh, like I love Johnny Depp.. and Drew Barrymore is so icky"
Another thing you can do to get to know girls.. is ask them questions. I know this idea seems strange, because you want to be all SPY about it.. and sneak around, trying to find things out about them. But like I said, girls love to talk.. they love to talk about themselves.. and are usually pretty good with questions. Make a game out of it, make a list of questions.. then ask them. When they ask you why you want to know all this, and why the sudden interest in them.. Just tell them that you're trying to understand them better! they will appreciate the honesty, they'll be touched that you want to know them.. and all that mushy stuff.

Now then, if you're trying to learn about someone else, whom you aren't interesting in dating, like a mom.. or sister. It's pretty much the same thing. You don't have to bring them out on a date, but seriously just observe them, and things that they seem to like, or things that peeve them. You can learn a lot from people, by observing them.. and their actions. Start jotting down notes. You can usually compare. Most girls are alike in a lot of ways. There are always exceptions, like I said we are complex individuals.. but there are a lot of similarities!

so have fun with getting to know her.. don't be intimidated.. be honest, and hopeful! it can be done.. I've had a wonderful boyfriend.. for 11 1/3 months now, and I can honestly tell you, that he has gotten very good at understanding me.. there are still confused moments. But that's life. After awhile, it gets a lot easier! stick with it :)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

You've Got Mail!

As many of you may or may not know- My life has been incredibly difficult since Jan 7th of 2010.. a lot of hard things have happened since then, that have changed my life drastically. And I'm still suffering a considerable amount from many of those things. One that I speak of, was my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Gwen, moving faaaaaar away. It's amazing how much that one little thing can change your life. Not just your life as a whole, but your life day by day.. you have to subtract someone from your schedule. Because they aren't there anymore.

One thing people (including Gwen) would say to me, as they were wiping away my tears was this: "well, you'll always have letters and Facebook.. you won't loose touch. I know you won't"- well. We tried letters, it took it 3 months to get back and forth, and with how many different places they were going to, and how often their address changed that didn't work. So then we tried chat.. which didn't work most of the time either.. they have a 4 hour time difference there, than we do. So when I was on, she was going to bed, or school.. and chat hardly ever works anyway.
Then we started doing wall posts.. but that didn't work a lot of the time either, because everyone could see it. (girls do have private conversations, believe it or not) well. I'm glad to report that we've finally figured it out. We've started one MASSIVE inbox message.. and everytime we're on we'll reply. We'll reply to the previous message, and then write a new one, with an update!! it's great. I love it. I want to have a celebration everytime I log in.. I wish my computer would just say out loud "you've got mail" (sense It doesn't... I say it, in a manly voice) Haha...
ANyway.. it's amazing how a little thing like that can make your day, and give you more hope that your friendship will last. It also helps to pass the time! she'll be back soon.. and I can't wait :)

Love you Gwen!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Top 10!

My life has been a roller-coaster as of late.. things have been really hard, and sometimes, I'll admit to wondering if God is working, and if He's moving, because I can't see any immediate effects of it.. So last night, I found myself once again needing encouragement, and assurance that He is there, and He is moving and working.. in His time. So, I decided to make a list of my top 10 favorite promises that are given to us, by God Himself, in the Bible. And we have been promised that He will keep all of His promises, so they should be of great comfort to us! here we go, my top 10 favorite promises, from God Himself.. to each and every one of us.1. I will never leave you or forsake you- Romans 8:38-39
2. My grace is sufficient for you- 2 Corinthians 12:9
3. He who believes in me, has everlasting life, and shall not perish- John 3:16
4. I am always with you- Matthew 28: 20
5. my mercy is new every morning, great is my faithfulness- Lamentations 3:22-23
6. He who calls on my name, I will hear him. You will not be turned away.
7. I won't give you anything too big, that you can't handle it- Romans 5:3-6/ 1 Corinthians 10:13
8. In the end, I will defeat the devil, and reign forevermore.
9. Ask- it will be given unto you.
Seek- you shall find.
Knock- it will be opened unto you. - Luke 11:9
10. I am the same. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.- Hebrews 13:8

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

"It's the little things"

When I was younger I heard the saying "it's the little things in life, that make life worth living" (wow.. I sound like an old woman already) anyway.. when I heard it. I would just kind of blow it off.. I found it kind of hard to believe that little things could really make a HUGE difference.. well.. as of late. My life has been pretty hard (that sounded really dramatic) and I guess I've started to give this saying more of a chance.. now when I hear it, I shake my head and agree with whoever said it.. I've started being more open to the idea that the little things in life really do matter.. I've even caught myself saying it a few times. It really does make a huge difference when something small goes your way.. And in my opinion.. here's why.. When things are hard, we get down.. and negative. We tell ourselves that things are bad.. and they're going to continue to be bad. And that's all there really is to it. We refuse to believe that anything large and amazing is going to happen, changing the situation.. so when something little happens.. that sheds a little sunshine on our lives- because it wasn't something we told ourselves that wouldn't happen, but at the same time, it isn't something that we were expecting.. it really does make a difference. so maybe the situation hasn't changed.. and our lives haven't been radically changed either.. but because something small and unexpected goes our way.. we feel a tad bit better. I'm someone who tends to get very overwhelmed and stressed.. so if I'm already upset.. and then something small, -like a bobby pin breaks, while I'm frustratedly doing my hair-.. I'll seriously start to cry (ridiculous? yes!) in the same way, if I'm frustratedly doing my hair, then I look up in the mirror, and it looks pretty good.. it can seriously make me a LOT happier..

Anyway. I'm sure you get my point- so let's get to the point of this blog post, shall we?
Life is hard.. and sometimes It's especially hard. Sometimes we will allow ourselves to get so stressed that little things can either make or brake us. I'm proposing this, that we would try to maybe expect little, good things happening in our lives. That we would celebrate when they do.. and not breakdown when they don't. I realize that it's kind of impossible at times- I've tried it myself, with few results to brag, or even speak of.. but I have sort of devised a plan.. Wanna hear? if so.. keep reading :p

like we've said already- sometimes we don't get our wish.. and little awesome things don't just magically happen. So. We have to kind of help them along.. and plan in advance for them to happen. Here's what I do. You'll have to modify it to match you and what makes you happy.. but this is what helps me..

-get up early.. fix myself an awesome cup of cocoa or coffee (even though I really don't need it.. it warms my throat, and smells, tastes good.)
- finish all my school and chores as soon as possible (not only is it good to do what is expected of you, but when you do it without doddling you feel better, and more accomplished)
-try to start humming or singing awesome songs when you feel the urge to say something mean or un-necessary (no, this does not mean that you can find reasons why it IS in-fact necessary to yell at your parents or brother)
- then do something you enjoy... for me it's either scrapbooking, running, calling a friend, journaling outside, playing piano.. or whatever else..

then at the end of the day, when you can look back on all the little things that you've done that you enjoy, and you don't allow your mind to wander on the situation that you do not enjoy, you'll find that you're much happier...

So you see! it is the little things in life that make life worth living, afterall! :]

P.S. If you did do this.. please let me know how it went! I'd love to hear! :) thanks!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Dress Drama (Luckily, there's a happy ending)

Intro/ background.
Well.. as you probably know, if you even remotely follow me and my actions on Facebook, I've been going through quite a lot of drama, concerning prom and dresses. I am writing this blog post to kinda fill you all in, let you know what's happening.. and show you how happy I am!!..
it is NOT however to get everyone's approval, opinions and all that. Like I have been doing on Facebook up to this point.. I have decided that a very small group of people are going to be able to see the dress. This group of people includes: Anthony, my parents, his parents and One girlfriend.. You see, I REALLY love this dress. And besides for those people up there ^ I really don't care about everyone else's opinions as much. (Not that I don't care at ALL.. it's just that, if someone really, really, didn't like it, unlike the other dresses, I wouldn't return it. I'm in LOVE with this dress. So don't be offended, please, if you aren't in this small list) This dress is gorgeous and it fits me.. like perfectly. So, you will all get to see the gabs and gabs of pictures I add after prom, but until then, you get to bite your nails.

behind the decision (yes, there's more to it here than me being bi-polar)
-the first dress that I had found was adorable.. but let's just say, I'll have to save it for when I'm 18, or something of that sort.. it was not at all dad approved. And some even said that it wasn't all that prom-y, me being the little people-pleaser-worrier that I am, I went out to a consignment shop and found another dress.. but my VERY stressed, also worried mother was with me.. and she was looking for a few things, and nothing outside of that 1. cheap.. 2. dad approved. And those things aren't necessarily bad. But I want to be more than a pilgrim or the 'goodwill girl' at prom. I want to feel beautiful and breath-taking. I want to feel stunning and elegant.. Well, I threw all that out the window.. bought a dress that was WAAAAY too big- and not big on my list. But I did it anyway to make her happy..
then after a serious heart-to-heart with my guardian angel and mentor (Melissa) we both decided that:
1. I got the dress to make parents happy.. it didn't make me happy
2. I needed to be happy too.
3. the dress really was too big, and complicated- so it probably wouldn't work either.
4. I need to be more than just 'parent pleasing' and 'cheap' at prom.. I should want to feel beautiful and lovely.
and lastly.. we decided that it wouldn't hurt to look around some more. Without my mom there to stress me out.

finding the dress/ that perfect moment.
so.. after looking in 7-8ish different stores.. trying on 12 different dresses, being stripped off in just a bra and undies in front of ladies I didn't even know.. at all. And some practical talks with Melissa saying "this WOULDN'T fly with dad".. or "this might", or "this is okay, but not fabulous"- I finally found it.. THE dress. One that had made me smile more than all the others.. one that made me forget the FAVORITE dress of mine, that I loved over all the others (and gave up to please my dad) one that needed ZERO alterations, and fit me perfectly. One that is now, hanging up in my room.. MY room. One that I can't stop talking or thinking about.. one that has me blushing RIGHT now. One that made me go "Oh my gosh, I actually have a butt, and hips.. I wish that GWEN were here, she'd be so proud" one that has me giggling, giddy- and practicing walking in heels. So that I won't trip and make a fool of myself.
Anyway.. I COULD go on, and on, and on about this.. but. I'll spare you- and just have you super surprised and ready for my prom pictures, so you can see the dress :) and that handsome boy of mine :)

Monday, February 28, 2011

Chocolate Thief..

Last night I came home from church.. walked into my room, turned on the light and went to sit my Bible, bag and coat on the bed.. I then breathed a big sigh- and went to sit down on my bed to rest.. I hadn't been home all day and my head was killing me.
It was then that I looked down and saw my bag filled with
Dove milk chocolate with caramel promises there on the floor.. opened. And there was also a little wrapper opened and emptied on the floor next to it.. I quickly walked over, picked up the chocolates, put them back in their place and then picked up the little emptied wrapper- I read it and laughed..
Usually I would have stormed upstairs and demanded to know who made a mess in my room, went in there without permission and ate my chocolate.. but Instead I laughed. And here's why..
the wrapper said this
"Do something mischievous, it's good for you" this person had followed the instruction on the wrapper so well.. they had done something mischievous.. and seeing as how they got off scott free, made a mess in my room and ate free chocolate- I'm assuming they thought it WAS pretty good.
So, whoever you are.. you chocolate thief. You better be glad that I'm trying to let things slide, and not stress so much.. Otherwise, I'd use my detective skills and find you. Haha.. Oh, and one last thing. You got away this time, but be careful just how Mischievous you are,
and who you mess with. One day it just might NOT be good :) Yours very amused, and down one piece of chocolate
Tamara Michelle

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Who Am I?

I've been trying all this time..
just to figure out the answer to my biggest question "Who am I??.." and after years and years of change.. my question is still un-answered, still the same. I'm still back to where I started.. My floor filled with prayer-filled notebook pages.. empty tissue boxes and my wrists are so sore.. from the blades and, yes I know- I've tried this all before. I told myself "Just one more" and it will be better.. But I Failed-
The moment I had the chance to figure this all out. I bailed. Believed him, took his word as truth. When he told me that I had no use.. I had no worth. That I was stupid and a curse. I changed myself all to please him.. instead it just made things worse. Not only was he impossible to please but now I'm so far away from the real me, (whoever it is that she might be-) that I have no hopes of ever finding her again. Whoever she is.. I hope she has friends. She's going to need them- because she's in deep..again.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Dear Jesus..

I've been really upset as of late.. and I keep trying to be strong.. and be 'good' (meaning when people ask me how I am, I can say "Good") I've been running every day..
I've been running so far.. trying to run away from everything. But when I stop running, to try to catch my breath.. I cry- and Instead of feeling like I've run away. I feel closer to the problems than I did before I started running.
I can't escape this- and at the same time.. I'm not strong enough to handle it. Believe me, I've tried. I keep trying to give this to you.. and trust you, instead of myself. But everytime I think I have. I learn once again- that I've failed, and I've tried to once again.. to fix things on my own. I need you. I need your love and comfort.. I need patience I need your grace.. I need a lot of things right now. And none of them are things that I can get on my own. So we're back to me trusting you. It sounds so simple, but it's not. Not for me. I know it should be. Because you've made it so easy.. but you've also made me- a very independent person.
Everytime I go to let go, and trust you with everything.. I feel like I should be doing something, I get impatient.. and make plans. Thus throwing yours out the window. I'm not even giving you a fair shot at this. I'm just doing what I think will help.. and well. As you can see from this pathetic prayer. It hasn't.
Anyway well.. as I was saying. I know that I'm not strong enough to handle it on my own. So I know I need to trust others.. and God. But trust.. and not doing things myself have never really been my specialty.. and that has been especially hard for me lately. Because things keep getting worse and worse. And my 'strength' in comparison is getting weaker and weaker.. forcing me to crumble and Hopefully reach out to You...

God.. I just, I need you.. I know I sound like a broken record. I know I've said that a thousand times, and then I've turned right around and tried to once again do things on my own. I guess I'm kinda reassuring myself more than I'm telling you. You already knew that. I just feel the need to say it over, and over, and over...
I need to learn to grant others the grace you have granted me..
I need to learn when to say nothing.. and when to say something, and furthermore- what to say.
I need to learn what is my responsibility, what isn't.. and I need to know how to do what I should.. I need to learn to accept the things that are not mine to handle
I need to learn to be more patient.. and trust that your timing is better than mine.
I need to learn to praise you, even when I don't feel like it.
I need to learn to let little things go.. and after praying, let YOU handle the big things.
I need to do so many things.. you know what I need to do. And now I know that I can't do it without you... so please dear Jesus. Just help me through this. I don't know why you believe in me.. but it's obvious that you do, because as scripture tells me, you'll never give me something that's harder than I can handle. So, this is me.. once again. Trying to give this all to you. Because as much as I hate to admit it. It's really all I can do. This is me.. saying that I want things to get better, and whatever I need to do- I will. Because I trust you. I trust that you have this.. that whatever happens, happens because you've allowed it to. I trust that you will give me the strength to handle this. A strength that is not of myself. But of you. Lord help me to rely more on the strength that's found in you.. and not in me. Because as I've learned as of late. My strength fails- but yours does not.. so here I am again. Trying to do what I should have in the first place.. trusting you.. Please dear Jesus. Don't let me down. I can't take any more disappointment.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

You're there.. but far behind me.

I changed everything about me, all to please you.. and Now that you're gone, I don't know what to do. -I don't even know who I am- I changed me, all to please you- it's been so long, I don't even know about me, how much is just for your approval.. and how much is true.
You know, This isn't as easy, as everyone made it out to be. The advice and 1,2,3, steps sounded so easy.. Maybe simple is a better word. I know what needs to be done, but I don't have the strength to take the steps forward..
This sounds strange, I know it does.. But believe me. I found out, that everything you said wasn't true, I found out it wasn't real..Not even your love.. it wasn't true how you always said I needed you.

You've been gone for months (yes I know exactly how many) and I'm still standing here. Without your hand to hold. I don't need any reminders, I know I'm old. I know I'm grown..
Yes, I'm battered and very bruised, but I'm still standing- I haven't crumbled or given up yet. Don't cheer, becuase I have no plans on doing so..
No. I don't claim to be perfect, or have it all figured out. Just wanted you to know, that I'm not giving up. I haven't given out. I'm holding on, to whatever little I have left, after your bitterness came along, and swept over me.
I occasionally have to stop to catch my breath, tie my shoes.. But that's it. I'm going to keep trying to run away from you. Because you're fatal to me, I know you are..
when you're around, I never make it far. I find myself going in circles- or fetching for whatever it is that you 'Need' I'm like your little-sad-eyed- puppy. that never quite learned I'm not on a leash.. At any moment, I could brake free.. If I just found the window, the chance.
Well now I have. And I'm trying to take it. With the little hope I found in someone else- I'll try, and hopefully make it..
I'd say wish me luck, though I know you wouldn't.. You're the one who's always told me that I couldn't.
I'm trying, trying, trying so hard.. to put you behind me.. keep taking those steps forward. I'm trying to make progress..trying to stay healthy.. take care of myself- forget about you, and focus on everyone else. Who's been here all along, patting my back and cheering me along.
I'm trying to think of something but all the pain.. when I occasionally hear your name.
I'm trying to be over you, so that I don't constantly have to choke back tears-
or write you letters late at night, that deep down inside- I know you'll never read.
I'm trying to stop looking through all your things, that you left with me.
I'm trying. Like I've tried a million times. Hoping this time will be different. That I'll walk down this road.. look back- to see that you're still walking behind me.. But far behind. I'm trying to cross our 'state line' so to speak, so that though you'll try- you'll never be able to catch up with me.

Monday, February 7, 2011

When I think of you.. (somewhere between yesterday, and today- in the year of 2011)

When I find myself thinking about you, I often find myself thinking on one thing im-particular.. and that's your smile. Not your "Picture smile" or your "Aawwh, dang.. she just saw me steal that cookie" smile.. not even your "My nieces are precious" smile.. (though, I do love all of those..) the smile I find myself thinking of the most is the one I call "THAT smile"
it's the smile I catch you smiling after I've said something stupid, had a blond moment, you caught me making another one of my faces.. or the rare event that I say something kinda humorous.. (yes, these things are all listed in order of occurrence.. from VERY often. To RARELY ever..)
this smile, though I'm sure.. others AFTER reading the list I just compiled, of when this smile occurs will disagree. Is Not a smile of shame, or embarrassment.. it's more of a Prideful Smile. Not in an arrogant way. But it shows your pride- in me.. (Wow, this sounds conceited. let me explain..)

you see- when I see you smile this smile, after I've done whichever stupid thing, I found the most pleasing at that particular moment.. I imagine you saying this "Wow, my girlfriend is crazy" **Laughs to self.. kinda quietly, so that I won't hear. Though I usually do** then you get back to this imaginary conversation inside of your head, and you continue by saying "As I've already said- she's crazy.. Anyway, it doesn't embarrass me, or faze me in the least bit. She's my girl.. and I accept every piece of her, as crazy and confusing as it may be to others, I get it. And I love and accept her for that.."

When I imagine you smiling this smile, it makes me blush.. not because it embarrasses me, or makes me feel like I've done anything wrong. But because it makes me happy. I mean, I know almost all of this is something I'm assuming/making up.. to make me feel better about myself. But the very thought of someone knowing about all my little quirks, and choosing to smile proudly on it, instead of shamefully looking away or signaling across the room "I don't know her, I don't claim her.. never seen her before tonight. Swear!"

So, Anthony.. now you know why I just can't help but poke your cheeks (which gives you dimples, making it even cuter/sweeter than it was before) when you smile THAT smile.. (I doubt you even know you had 'that' smile, before reading this.. but all the same. I'm very aware of this smile, and more than that. I'm proud of it. I'm proud to say that in a way, I'm the inspiration behind something as adorable and enjoyable as that.
Thank you for smiling 'That' smile.. when I couldn't.. smile for myself.
Thank you for the pride behind 'that' smile.. that makes me feel like maybe I am worth some of your time..
thank you for all you do, for the way you make me feel. You give me the strength to get up again.. to write, to hope for better, to breathe- when I'd usually be running around like my list making headless chicken self.. I could go on and on.. but the bottom line is this.
Thank you- for 'that' smile. it's my ray of sunshine.. my light at the end of the tunnel. My inspiration.. :')

Monday, January 31, 2011

Top friends..

For awhile now, this thing has been going around on Facebook. And I've managed to find my way to the top, or just under, on several people's lists. I only posted four on this post.but I counted, and on my Facebook there are six all-together. And on every single one of them, I'm not any lower than the third.. At first I was a little embarrassed. Because I didn't want people to think that I'm a stalker. Then I got to thinking about it.. And I realized something about myself- something I've always known.. but I guess it took a Facebook application to get me to admit it. And it's this:

I take friendships (or relationships of any kind) very seriously

I mean my mom, has told me this several times.. and a couple of my friends have as well. Even without them telling me, I've always knew. I've gotten hurt several times, because usually in relationships I'm more involved, more serious, than the other person is. And I've taken it personally. I've always thought that there was something wrong with me. Because it seemed as though every time I was really interested in a relationship. Every time I found someone I was really into, they wouldn't return the affection.
as I've gotten older, as friends have moved away, as I've met new people- I've started to realize that it's not that there's anything wrong with me. I'm not doing something bad, I'm not the one that is to blame. And I'm not necessarily saying that they are either.
It's just that sometimes, I'm going to have to be careful about who I'm close to.. who I allow myself to become obsessed over. I need to learn early on in the friendships that this person probably isn't going to take things as seriously as I do. And I might just get hurt. And that's okay. I need to put my focus
FIRST on my relationship with Christ. Because he's NEVER going to let me down. He will never loose interest in me. I'll never be able to out-do his affection.
SECOND I need to learn that there are a few people in life, that think I'm worth their time, that love me for who I am, and want to be around me..
after I've grown closer to Christ. And I'm happy with HIM. I'll be able to be happy with another human being. And I'll be able to be my obsessive, loving, loyal, interested-in-another-person.. Self.

SO, long story short (I'm sure this is your favorite part.. Sorry. I talk a lot.)
I am a very loyal, serious person.. Most people aren't.
After directing my attention to Christ, his love and affection towards me. His loyalty, and promise to NEVER leave, or forsake me.. I can (hopefully) learn to fill myself with him, and let others just be the icing on the cake.. Homework? I think so!!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Only as Expected.

Last week, at my counseling session- frustrated with my counselor's lack of feedback.. I asked him for homework. At the end of my hour, he told me that my assignment (homework) for the week was this :
"Do only as expected of you, and nothing more"
I guess it's becuase I have a tendency to get bogged down, and adopt concerns and burdens that aren't necessarily my own. Maybe it's part of being the oldest? I don't know. Whatever the case, at first I was a tad bit disappointed. And I didn't really consider that an assignment. I guess it showed in my expression. Because he then said "Just give it a try, okay?" so.. I wrote that down in my journal "Do only as expected of you.. and nothing more" and kinda pushed it to the back of my mind. I walked out the door and got into the car. I looked to my left to see a smiling Melissa. I buckled up, and we began to drive away. On the way back to Melissa's home in Clarksville we talked about the session. I shared with her my frustration about the assignment- and she kinda laughed "Just give it a try, sweetie. You'll be surprised. It's actually a pretty big assignment" I began to think to myself. Am I the ONLY one who doesn't get this assignment..?
we talked together about many other things on our way back to Clarksville. But that didn't leave my thoughts. I decided if everyone but me saw the point in this assignment. I'd just have to give it a try- my competitive spirit told me so.

the week is almost over, and let me tell you- I've failed miserably at this assignment. It is indeed a lot bigger than I thought it was. The few times that I have succeeded to do this, it's felt strange and new, but kinda- Um. Well, as much as I hate to say it. It was kind of relaxing and a lot less stressful than my current lifestyle. I would be in the middle of something and think to myself
"What is there left to do?"
"Um... well, I could give you a long list to do, but according to your counselor. You've done everything on this list that has YOUR name on it. So you get to relax for awhile"
"Oh, really?.. you sure"
"Uh. Yep.."

I also hate to say that this assignment might just have to last more than one week. Because though I've had several opportunities since the 17th. I've failed. And I'd like to try it again. Maybe it's the over-achiever in me. Or that "Don't quit" attitude I have, or maybe once again that competitive thing in me. Whatever it is. I'm not quitting- not yet!
this assignment, though kind of vague, and not what I had in mind. Is a pretty big thing to overcome. It is something worth working on. Something that if I achieve, I could be a lot less stressed and a lot more pleasant. And wait for it! -- Pleased! (I'm hardly ever pleased with myself. Because though I do as expected of me by others- I always have a long list of things that I myself expect from me.. And there aren't enough hours in the day!)
so here I go- doing only as expected of me. And nothing more.


So, today I was talking with a friend (you know who you are) and we were both expressing frustration, about how easily we are intimidated, by other people. So, to make them feel better (and maybe unknowingly someone else too!!) here's a list of things that ALMOST everyone has in common.. to help us realize that we're more alike than we think. And Really, we shouldn't allow ourselves to be intimidated by others.

-we all out our pants on.. one leg at a time.

-we all have days where we feel like Poo!! (and look like it)

-we all act differently around certain people, than we do around everyone else.

-we all think things that we know we shouldn't say, but we want too! SO bad!

-we all dance like a moron when we're alone in our room.

-we all sing off key and extremely loud, when in the car alone.

-we all roll our eyes at people we don't like, when they aren't watching.

-we all randomly do breath/pit checks.

-we all eat like a pig/look nasty/ watch random things- when no-one else is around.

-we all say awkward things, that embarrass us.

-we all dread that we'll need a shower, but won't have time in the morning- so it will need to be tonight.. and of course we're tired and don't want to have to take the shower. But we do anyway. Then we go to bed with wet hair, and it looks awful the next day. (I hope that made sense, and I hope I'm not the only one who does that.. Haha)

-we all sing in the shower. If not all the time, occasionally.

-we all sneak little pieces of things when we're cooking.

-we all crave weird foods.. at random times.

-we all eat the same thing two days in a row- because it tasted so good the day before.

-we all laugh at jokes we don't get- for whatever reason.

-we all stalk people's Facebook profile's.

-we all steal 'like pages' off of other people's profile's.

-we all have to learn to tie our shoes at one point.

-we all do things differently when others are watching.

More importantly...

-we all get scared.

-we all cry sometimes.

-we all want to be loved.

-we all feel insecure sometimes.

-we all hurt over things that we probably shouldn't.

-we all have moments of weaknesses.

-we all make mistakes.

Some of these aren't very good examples- But I hope you get my point.

Some people may try to make themselves look better- by making you feel bad. But as I believe Abe Lincoln said (and we know him as 'Honest Abe' so it's gotta be true!!!) ALL MEN ARE EQUAL!!!

we are all the same inside. We shouldn't be intimidated by others! not in the least!! :)

Friday, January 7, 2011


It all comes down to today..
This is my turning point. I'll put my head up- and try to pave the way, for all the little one's, who think they're so grown up. Who are looking to me, for a role-model.
It all comes down to today..
I'll make blue, what you've made gray. Because you no longer own me. Maybe not all can be changed, all at once. But I'll still start today. I'll still be well on my way. I'll still start to pave the path. The path you hid from me.. But my eyes have now been opened.. and I can see!
so come little one's, who think you're so grown, follow me, I won't let you down, you won't have to feel alone. Because I'll help you all find your way home.

I put on my best smile, my beads.. And brand new lipstick.
In hopes that you'd like it..
These are all such small, simple things, but for you, I'd do anything.. ♥