Monday, February 28, 2011

Chocolate Thief..

Last night I came home from church.. walked into my room, turned on the light and went to sit my Bible, bag and coat on the bed.. I then breathed a big sigh- and went to sit down on my bed to rest.. I hadn't been home all day and my head was killing me.
It was then that I looked down and saw my bag filled with
Dove milk chocolate with caramel promises there on the floor.. opened. And there was also a little wrapper opened and emptied on the floor next to it.. I quickly walked over, picked up the chocolates, put them back in their place and then picked up the little emptied wrapper- I read it and laughed..
Usually I would have stormed upstairs and demanded to know who made a mess in my room, went in there without permission and ate my chocolate.. but Instead I laughed. And here's why..
the wrapper said this
"Do something mischievous, it's good for you" this person had followed the instruction on the wrapper so well.. they had done something mischievous.. and seeing as how they got off scott free, made a mess in my room and ate free chocolate- I'm assuming they thought it WAS pretty good.
So, whoever you are.. you chocolate thief. You better be glad that I'm trying to let things slide, and not stress so much.. Otherwise, I'd use my detective skills and find you. Haha.. Oh, and one last thing. You got away this time, but be careful just how Mischievous you are,
and who you mess with. One day it just might NOT be good :) Yours very amused, and down one piece of chocolate
Tamara Michelle

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Who Am I?

I've been trying all this time..
just to figure out the answer to my biggest question "Who am I??.." and after years and years of change.. my question is still un-answered, still the same. I'm still back to where I started.. My floor filled with prayer-filled notebook pages.. empty tissue boxes and my wrists are so sore.. from the blades and, yes I know- I've tried this all before. I told myself "Just one more" and it will be better.. But I Failed-
The moment I had the chance to figure this all out. I bailed. Believed him, took his word as truth. When he told me that I had no use.. I had no worth. That I was stupid and a curse. I changed myself all to please him.. instead it just made things worse. Not only was he impossible to please but now I'm so far away from the real me, (whoever it is that she might be-) that I have no hopes of ever finding her again. Whoever she is.. I hope she has friends. She's going to need them- because she's in deep..again.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Dear Jesus..

I've been really upset as of late.. and I keep trying to be strong.. and be 'good' (meaning when people ask me how I am, I can say "Good") I've been running every day..
I've been running so far.. trying to run away from everything. But when I stop running, to try to catch my breath.. I cry- and Instead of feeling like I've run away. I feel closer to the problems than I did before I started running.
I can't escape this- and at the same time.. I'm not strong enough to handle it. Believe me, I've tried. I keep trying to give this to you.. and trust you, instead of myself. But everytime I think I have. I learn once again- that I've failed, and I've tried to once again.. to fix things on my own. I need you. I need your love and comfort.. I need patience I need your grace.. I need a lot of things right now. And none of them are things that I can get on my own. So we're back to me trusting you. It sounds so simple, but it's not. Not for me. I know it should be. Because you've made it so easy.. but you've also made me- a very independent person.
Everytime I go to let go, and trust you with everything.. I feel like I should be doing something, I get impatient.. and make plans. Thus throwing yours out the window. I'm not even giving you a fair shot at this. I'm just doing what I think will help.. and well. As you can see from this pathetic prayer. It hasn't.
Anyway well.. as I was saying. I know that I'm not strong enough to handle it on my own. So I know I need to trust others.. and God. But trust.. and not doing things myself have never really been my specialty.. and that has been especially hard for me lately. Because things keep getting worse and worse. And my 'strength' in comparison is getting weaker and weaker.. forcing me to crumble and Hopefully reach out to You...

God.. I just, I need you.. I know I sound like a broken record. I know I've said that a thousand times, and then I've turned right around and tried to once again do things on my own. I guess I'm kinda reassuring myself more than I'm telling you. You already knew that. I just feel the need to say it over, and over, and over...
I need to learn to grant others the grace you have granted me..
I need to learn when to say nothing.. and when to say something, and furthermore- what to say.
I need to learn what is my responsibility, what isn't.. and I need to know how to do what I should.. I need to learn to accept the things that are not mine to handle
I need to learn to be more patient.. and trust that your timing is better than mine.
I need to learn to praise you, even when I don't feel like it.
I need to learn to let little things go.. and after praying, let YOU handle the big things.
I need to do so many things.. you know what I need to do. And now I know that I can't do it without you... so please dear Jesus. Just help me through this. I don't know why you believe in me.. but it's obvious that you do, because as scripture tells me, you'll never give me something that's harder than I can handle. So, this is me.. once again. Trying to give this all to you. Because as much as I hate to admit it. It's really all I can do. This is me.. saying that I want things to get better, and whatever I need to do- I will. Because I trust you. I trust that you have this.. that whatever happens, happens because you've allowed it to. I trust that you will give me the strength to handle this. A strength that is not of myself. But of you. Lord help me to rely more on the strength that's found in you.. and not in me. Because as I've learned as of late. My strength fails- but yours does not.. so here I am again. Trying to do what I should have in the first place.. trusting you.. Please dear Jesus. Don't let me down. I can't take any more disappointment.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

You're there.. but far behind me.

I changed everything about me, all to please you.. and Now that you're gone, I don't know what to do. -I don't even know who I am- I changed me, all to please you- it's been so long, I don't even know about me, how much is just for your approval.. and how much is true.
You know, This isn't as easy, as everyone made it out to be. The advice and 1,2,3, steps sounded so easy.. Maybe simple is a better word. I know what needs to be done, but I don't have the strength to take the steps forward..
This sounds strange, I know it does.. But believe me. I found out, that everything you said wasn't true, I found out it wasn't real..Not even your love.. it wasn't true how you always said I needed you.

You've been gone for months (yes I know exactly how many) and I'm still standing here. Without your hand to hold. I don't need any reminders, I know I'm old. I know I'm grown..
Yes, I'm battered and very bruised, but I'm still standing- I haven't crumbled or given up yet. Don't cheer, becuase I have no plans on doing so..
No. I don't claim to be perfect, or have it all figured out. Just wanted you to know, that I'm not giving up. I haven't given out. I'm holding on, to whatever little I have left, after your bitterness came along, and swept over me.
I occasionally have to stop to catch my breath, tie my shoes.. But that's it. I'm going to keep trying to run away from you. Because you're fatal to me, I know you are..
when you're around, I never make it far. I find myself going in circles- or fetching for whatever it is that you 'Need' I'm like your little-sad-eyed- puppy. that never quite learned I'm not on a leash.. At any moment, I could brake free.. If I just found the window, the chance.
Well now I have. And I'm trying to take it. With the little hope I found in someone else- I'll try, and hopefully make it..
I'd say wish me luck, though I know you wouldn't.. You're the one who's always told me that I couldn't.
I'm trying, trying, trying so hard.. to put you behind me.. keep taking those steps forward. I'm trying to make progress..trying to stay healthy.. take care of myself- forget about you, and focus on everyone else. Who's been here all along, patting my back and cheering me along.
I'm trying to think of something but all the pain.. when I occasionally hear your name.
I'm trying to be over you, so that I don't constantly have to choke back tears-
or write you letters late at night, that deep down inside- I know you'll never read.
I'm trying to stop looking through all your things, that you left with me.
I'm trying. Like I've tried a million times. Hoping this time will be different. That I'll walk down this road.. look back- to see that you're still walking behind me.. But far behind. I'm trying to cross our 'state line' so to speak, so that though you'll try- you'll never be able to catch up with me.

Monday, February 7, 2011

When I think of you.. (somewhere between yesterday, and today- in the year of 2011)

When I find myself thinking about you, I often find myself thinking on one thing im-particular.. and that's your smile. Not your "Picture smile" or your "Aawwh, dang.. she just saw me steal that cookie" smile.. not even your "My nieces are precious" smile.. (though, I do love all of those..) the smile I find myself thinking of the most is the one I call "THAT smile"
it's the smile I catch you smiling after I've said something stupid, had a blond moment, you caught me making another one of my faces.. or the rare event that I say something kinda humorous.. (yes, these things are all listed in order of occurrence.. from VERY often. To RARELY ever..)
this smile, though I'm sure.. others AFTER reading the list I just compiled, of when this smile occurs will disagree. Is Not a smile of shame, or embarrassment.. it's more of a Prideful Smile. Not in an arrogant way. But it shows your pride- in me.. (Wow, this sounds conceited. let me explain..)

you see- when I see you smile this smile, after I've done whichever stupid thing, I found the most pleasing at that particular moment.. I imagine you saying this "Wow, my girlfriend is crazy" **Laughs to self.. kinda quietly, so that I won't hear. Though I usually do** then you get back to this imaginary conversation inside of your head, and you continue by saying "As I've already said- she's crazy.. Anyway, it doesn't embarrass me, or faze me in the least bit. She's my girl.. and I accept every piece of her, as crazy and confusing as it may be to others, I get it. And I love and accept her for that.."

When I imagine you smiling this smile, it makes me blush.. not because it embarrasses me, or makes me feel like I've done anything wrong. But because it makes me happy. I mean, I know almost all of this is something I'm assuming/making up.. to make me feel better about myself. But the very thought of someone knowing about all my little quirks, and choosing to smile proudly on it, instead of shamefully looking away or signaling across the room "I don't know her, I don't claim her.. never seen her before tonight. Swear!"

So, Anthony.. now you know why I just can't help but poke your cheeks (which gives you dimples, making it even cuter/sweeter than it was before) when you smile THAT smile.. (I doubt you even know you had 'that' smile, before reading this.. but all the same. I'm very aware of this smile, and more than that. I'm proud of it. I'm proud to say that in a way, I'm the inspiration behind something as adorable and enjoyable as that.
Thank you for smiling 'That' smile.. when I couldn't.. smile for myself.
Thank you for the pride behind 'that' smile.. that makes me feel like maybe I am worth some of your time..
thank you for all you do, for the way you make me feel. You give me the strength to get up again.. to write, to hope for better, to breathe- when I'd usually be running around like my list making headless chicken self.. I could go on and on.. but the bottom line is this.
Thank you- for 'that' smile. it's my ray of sunshine.. my light at the end of the tunnel. My inspiration.. :')