Monday, November 23, 2015

The second time around

I'm not going to lie, when we found out I was pregnant again I was extremely freaked out! Phoenix was only 7 months old and we were in no way ready. 
I knew it would be a strain financially, on our marriage and we were already lacking in room. 

To be honest (again) I wasn't really excited until I held him for the first time. 
My eyes filled with tears the second I heard his cry and my heart was drastically changed. I let go of my preconceived notions and became more open to God's plan for our little family. 

We are only a week in and I'm not so naive as to think it will all be roses (it hasn't been) but it also hasn't been as terrible as I had made it out to be in my mind. 

Labor was much less scary because I knew what to expect. 
Recovery has been smoother
I'm already adjusted to not sleeping so it isn't as drastic as last time
I learned from my mistakes on breastfeeding with Phoenix so I feel like I am doing much better there
I wasn't under the allusion that my body would go back to normal right after the baby so I'm not constantly looking in the mirror and frowning
Phoenix taught me to "major on the majors and minor on the minors" I'm not concerned with organizing his dresser, pretreating every stain, researching everything or comparing him to other babies his age. I'm just letting it all happen. I'm spending some time on the couch cuddling my kiddos and only doing things when I'm not exhausted. The house isn't a mess but it's not spotless. 

There are still going to be scary or stressful moments but I'm choosing to make an effort to embrace them. I cannot change how things have happened and I don't want too. God has given us two beautiful children. Though they may only be 14 months apart, they are gifts and I will treat them as such. 

I do regret that I haven't had the chance to spoil Phoenix as I wanted too. Raise her as my little girl for longer but I know she will always have a friend in her brother. 
There won't be as many jealousy issues, she will grow up sharing and be okay with it because she's never known any different. They will experience so much together and we will still be young when they are grown so we can enjoy them longer and meet their children. 

Being a mom of two at 21 isn't exactly what I had planned for myself but God shows me on a daily basis that the world doesn't revolve around my plans (thank goodness) He knows what we can and cannot handle. He promises to only give us what we can handle. So, here we go. Rusk- family of four! And to think it all started with two kids falling in love only 3 short years ago

Thursday, November 5, 2015

I was once a social butterfly.. So creative, loved to write. I was always painting, taking pictures, singing and playing jingles.. Now I can't remember the last time I wrote, danced, sang a special or played..
 Who am I? I feel estranged. I thought I was finding myself. Instead, I've never felt so lost. My whole life is working, paying bills, chasing a munchkin and remembering to take my pills. 

Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly.. I don't love myself and the person I've been lately. I have no passion, hobbies or alone time. I can't shake the worry, I'm always behind. 

Was I meant to marry at only 19? Trade my dreams of being a student for a life so prudent? I see my friends who are off having fun.. Sometimes it's hard not to wish I was there too. 
I could have been graduated by now, career and financially set. Should I have done that before I had my kids?

Who else at my age is creating meal plans, staying up late to do chores and always making plans? None that I see.. I feel like it's just me. I know this is what I asked for but sometimes I wish to just be free. A day to sleep in, eat out, have fun. 
I want back the me that I once was.. So creative, so fun. I don't like how stagnant I've become. 
I want to be romanced, wearing clothes that fit.. Feeling beautiful and young again. I don't want to be seen by him as the tires mom.. I don't like always wondering what's wrong. If this is the life we've made I pray we will at least learn to get along.