Monday, January 31, 2011

Top friends..

For awhile now, this thing has been going around on Facebook. And I've managed to find my way to the top, or just under, on several people's lists. I only posted four on this post.but I counted, and on my Facebook there are six all-together. And on every single one of them, I'm not any lower than the third.. At first I was a little embarrassed. Because I didn't want people to think that I'm a stalker. Then I got to thinking about it.. And I realized something about myself- something I've always known.. but I guess it took a Facebook application to get me to admit it. And it's this:

I take friendships (or relationships of any kind) very seriously

I mean my mom, has told me this several times.. and a couple of my friends have as well. Even without them telling me, I've always knew. I've gotten hurt several times, because usually in relationships I'm more involved, more serious, than the other person is. And I've taken it personally. I've always thought that there was something wrong with me. Because it seemed as though every time I was really interested in a relationship. Every time I found someone I was really into, they wouldn't return the affection.
as I've gotten older, as friends have moved away, as I've met new people- I've started to realize that it's not that there's anything wrong with me. I'm not doing something bad, I'm not the one that is to blame. And I'm not necessarily saying that they are either.
It's just that sometimes, I'm going to have to be careful about who I'm close to.. who I allow myself to become obsessed over. I need to learn early on in the friendships that this person probably isn't going to take things as seriously as I do. And I might just get hurt. And that's okay. I need to put my focus
FIRST on my relationship with Christ. Because he's NEVER going to let me down. He will never loose interest in me. I'll never be able to out-do his affection.
SECOND I need to learn that there are a few people in life, that think I'm worth their time, that love me for who I am, and want to be around me..
after I've grown closer to Christ. And I'm happy with HIM. I'll be able to be happy with another human being. And I'll be able to be my obsessive, loving, loyal, interested-in-another-person.. Self.

SO, long story short (I'm sure this is your favorite part.. Sorry. I talk a lot.)
I am a very loyal, serious person.. Most people aren't.
After directing my attention to Christ, his love and affection towards me. His loyalty, and promise to NEVER leave, or forsake me.. I can (hopefully) learn to fill myself with him, and let others just be the icing on the cake.. Homework? I think so!!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Only as Expected.

Last week, at my counseling session- frustrated with my counselor's lack of feedback.. I asked him for homework. At the end of my hour, he told me that my assignment (homework) for the week was this :
"Do only as expected of you, and nothing more"
I guess it's becuase I have a tendency to get bogged down, and adopt concerns and burdens that aren't necessarily my own. Maybe it's part of being the oldest? I don't know. Whatever the case, at first I was a tad bit disappointed. And I didn't really consider that an assignment. I guess it showed in my expression. Because he then said "Just give it a try, okay?" so.. I wrote that down in my journal "Do only as expected of you.. and nothing more" and kinda pushed it to the back of my mind. I walked out the door and got into the car. I looked to my left to see a smiling Melissa. I buckled up, and we began to drive away. On the way back to Melissa's home in Clarksville we talked about the session. I shared with her my frustration about the assignment- and she kinda laughed "Just give it a try, sweetie. You'll be surprised. It's actually a pretty big assignment" I began to think to myself. Am I the ONLY one who doesn't get this assignment..?
we talked together about many other things on our way back to Clarksville. But that didn't leave my thoughts. I decided if everyone but me saw the point in this assignment. I'd just have to give it a try- my competitive spirit told me so.

the week is almost over, and let me tell you- I've failed miserably at this assignment. It is indeed a lot bigger than I thought it was. The few times that I have succeeded to do this, it's felt strange and new, but kinda- Um. Well, as much as I hate to say it. It was kind of relaxing and a lot less stressful than my current lifestyle. I would be in the middle of something and think to myself
"What is there left to do?"
"Um... well, I could give you a long list to do, but according to your counselor. You've done everything on this list that has YOUR name on it. So you get to relax for awhile"
"Oh, really?.. you sure"
"Uh. Yep.."

I also hate to say that this assignment might just have to last more than one week. Because though I've had several opportunities since the 17th. I've failed. And I'd like to try it again. Maybe it's the over-achiever in me. Or that "Don't quit" attitude I have, or maybe once again that competitive thing in me. Whatever it is. I'm not quitting- not yet!
this assignment, though kind of vague, and not what I had in mind. Is a pretty big thing to overcome. It is something worth working on. Something that if I achieve, I could be a lot less stressed and a lot more pleasant. And wait for it! -- Pleased! (I'm hardly ever pleased with myself. Because though I do as expected of me by others- I always have a long list of things that I myself expect from me.. And there aren't enough hours in the day!)
so here I go- doing only as expected of me. And nothing more.


So, today I was talking with a friend (you know who you are) and we were both expressing frustration, about how easily we are intimidated, by other people. So, to make them feel better (and maybe unknowingly someone else too!!) here's a list of things that ALMOST everyone has in common.. to help us realize that we're more alike than we think. And Really, we shouldn't allow ourselves to be intimidated by others.

-we all out our pants on.. one leg at a time.

-we all have days where we feel like Poo!! (and look like it)

-we all act differently around certain people, than we do around everyone else.

-we all think things that we know we shouldn't say, but we want too! SO bad!

-we all dance like a moron when we're alone in our room.

-we all sing off key and extremely loud, when in the car alone.

-we all roll our eyes at people we don't like, when they aren't watching.

-we all randomly do breath/pit checks.

-we all eat like a pig/look nasty/ watch random things- when no-one else is around.

-we all say awkward things, that embarrass us.

-we all dread that we'll need a shower, but won't have time in the morning- so it will need to be tonight.. and of course we're tired and don't want to have to take the shower. But we do anyway. Then we go to bed with wet hair, and it looks awful the next day. (I hope that made sense, and I hope I'm not the only one who does that.. Haha)

-we all sing in the shower. If not all the time, occasionally.

-we all sneak little pieces of things when we're cooking.

-we all crave weird foods.. at random times.

-we all eat the same thing two days in a row- because it tasted so good the day before.

-we all laugh at jokes we don't get- for whatever reason.

-we all stalk people's Facebook profile's.

-we all steal 'like pages' off of other people's profile's.

-we all have to learn to tie our shoes at one point.

-we all do things differently when others are watching.

More importantly...

-we all get scared.

-we all cry sometimes.

-we all want to be loved.

-we all feel insecure sometimes.

-we all hurt over things that we probably shouldn't.

-we all have moments of weaknesses.

-we all make mistakes.

Some of these aren't very good examples- But I hope you get my point.

Some people may try to make themselves look better- by making you feel bad. But as I believe Abe Lincoln said (and we know him as 'Honest Abe' so it's gotta be true!!!) ALL MEN ARE EQUAL!!!

we are all the same inside. We shouldn't be intimidated by others! not in the least!! :)

Friday, January 7, 2011


It all comes down to today..
This is my turning point. I'll put my head up- and try to pave the way, for all the little one's, who think they're so grown up. Who are looking to me, for a role-model.
It all comes down to today..
I'll make blue, what you've made gray. Because you no longer own me. Maybe not all can be changed, all at once. But I'll still start today. I'll still be well on my way. I'll still start to pave the path. The path you hid from me.. But my eyes have now been opened.. and I can see!
so come little one's, who think you're so grown, follow me, I won't let you down, you won't have to feel alone. Because I'll help you all find your way home.

I put on my best smile, my beads.. And brand new lipstick.
In hopes that you'd like it..
These are all such small, simple things, but for you, I'd do anything.. ♥