Tuesday, November 23, 2010
My heart is bleeding...it stopped it's beating, the moment you said we were through._________________________
My eyes are filled with tears...crashing down on me, are all my fears...Because you said we were through..
I can't believe I let you mess this up.
I can't believe I have to be without you.
Now I'm trying to go to sleep, but all the monster...s under the bed, they're haunting me. and the tree branches out the windows, they're dancing on the wall, making scary shadows, I wish I had you here with me, I wish I could just believe again. But not today, no, not ever.. Because we're over.
I'd run to you, jump in your arms, and you'd swing me around make eye________________
contact, be so happy, for the love we found....we'd smile at each other
from across the room, (when we could stand to be that far apart) and
we'd put our hands over over our heart, to keep it, from skipping a
beat, when we, saw each other on the st...reet. We'd laugh together, and
you'd sweep me off my feet.
jump off the train, hop on a plane, 5 minutes after leaving, because being apart from you, is just too much.
because my dear, we're so madly in love... Oh, so madly in love!
...When you left, I stayed.
When you broke my heart, I prayed.
know, it's crazy, maybe even odd, but after you left me, all I had left
was God. So I sit here in this silence, for the thousandth time, I try
...to forget you, but to be honest...it's impossible, because you never
even left my mind.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Everyone has their own idea, of what perfect is,
what the most important things in life are... if you ask me, what the most important thing in life is, I will, in a heartbeat, tell you that in my opinion it is; TIME!
While others may think that it's money- or – family- love- trust- faith- ...the list goes on...it differs with each person
Money- can be taken away, replaced, lost, earned.. it isn't permanent.
Love- can be damaged.
Trust- can be lost.
Faith- can be jaded...
Family- can pass away.
See, the way I look at it, TIME is kinda like the Mayor of our lives, here on earth. It has a LOT of say, in what goes on in our lives,.
Our families, can pass away, or grow...
Trust, can be lost..or gained
Faith, can be tested one day, strengthened the next...
Money, we can earn it, or go bankrupt.
Love, can be tattered, hears shattered.
but time, time is permanent, it's final. If you spend time with someone, you can't get upset with them, be an Indian giver, and take it back. Once you've spent time with someone, given it' away, that's that.
Time is something we have to manage on our own. We are responsible for how we do and don't manage our time. Time is something you have to live with, and at times, without. We have to learn to spend it w
isely, unlike money, it can't be earned back, after we spend our paycheck. At the same time, we can't chose NOT to spend it, time is all around us, in everything we do... Then, once we have spent it, it's gone, forever. We can't take back what we said, or did..
So, if I find someone in life, who is willing to spend their precious time with me, with no regrets, no wishes, to take it all back. I will consider myself one of the luckiest girls in the world, because it is then, that I have found myself with something permanent, something that no matter how hard I try, I can't escape from.
Something that's everything to me. Time...
Friday, November 12, 2010
Found some life, among the dead trees.
Found some yellow, among the red leaves.
(Some light, among this death).
I found you, when hope was all that I had left.
I found you, when I was sure there was nothing left for me, in this life.
You helped me find my smile- when I was tattered.
You helped me love again though my heart was shattered.
Found your arms, when everyone else had turned me away.
Found your vibrant colors, among all these shades of grey.
Found your loving hand to hold.
Found your shelter from the cold fall weather.
Found that you always have a way of making me feel, so much better.
Found that with you I'd gladly grow old.
Found that I do need you.
Found out, that I'm in love, with all you do.
Found out, even if I had the chance, I wouldn't change anything about you.
Found out, in you, I'll place my trust,
Found out, I love you.
Found some flowers, gratefully holding on, as long as they could manage.
And after much thought, I decided it they must be, they found something that you've shown me.
With you, I've found life.
But best of all, I am found.
You found me- and now that I've taken a few steps back, I can see...
that all along, while I've been finding you, I've been finding myself too.
And I'd love nothing more, than for us to be found together: both of us,
totally sure, holding on like the flowers,
cherishing, these last precious hours, in each others company...
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Today, I was upset that it was Wednesday, and that I would have to prepare a lesson to teach, because I have a lot on my plate. Well, the time came...people started to arrive. in walks that sweet little boy, who calls the color brown 'Chocolate': little Maddox. He has so stolen a piece of my heart, He's so incredibly precious. I had a fantastic time with him tonight. And he somehow managed to temporarily push my troubles to the back of my mind... Thank you Jesus, for knowing better, and giving me a precious little cubbie tonight... a little cubbie, that made me laugh, and I made him, in return, asked me questions about the lesson (made me happy, knowing he was listening).. and was very interactive, during game time.. I am so blessed. I am learning just as much, if not more, than I'm teaching. He's teaching me how to find pleasure in small things, how to make games out of everything... (we ran around the classroom and called out colors, and we counted, how many things were the color Yellow, Red, Blue.. Etc.) He's teaching me to laugh, I'm so happy, to have Him, in my class.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Help, please help me, it seems as though, I've come down, with some fatal disease, you know just how this happened, I'd go so far, as to say it's your fault. And strangely enough, you're also the cure, I know, it's hard to believe, even after much thought. So rush me to the doctor, explain the whole thing, please tell the truth, and don't refrain, from the ugly ending, when I kill over and die, thanks to you, because you were never by my side.
Just shut up, and drive, as fast as you can, you'll be late to my funeral, you stupid man. you should have asked for directions, but NO, that would be the death of you. So whatever, just do what you always do. You'll find your way eventually. Maybe you'll make it in time, to hear someone's sad story, about how I'm gone, and they'll miss me.... then you'll be convicted, you'll start to cry, wish you had treated me better, oh WHY? did I have to die? why did you have to kill me?
well it's too late, no one cares.
Now rise, get up from your chair- clear your throat, you wouldn't want them to know, that you had choked up, that would ruin your image, take away that smug look, that makes you look so tough... get up there, lie and tell them, that since I've been gone, things have been rough. say a few words, about my favorite color and my favorite food, tell them I was rarely ever rude. Things everyone already knows, who are you fooling? why are you putting on this pathetic show? don't pretend you know me, don't act like you studied me, like we were so close, I tried to be, but we never came close, to ever making it, we could never agree. You just seized the opportunity to take advantage of me.
and I let you, oh Gahhh, I let you... This was all my fault, I'm sorry for blaming you, I didn't give it much thought. But it doesn't matter after-all, because now, I'm gone.
I'll prop up my head...consider crying, but laugh instead.
I'll smile for today, cause that's all I can do, to make things better, between me and you.
I'll tell everyone things are just fine, I'll wait to be sad, when I'm alone at midnight....
I've got this, well at least I'll pretend like I do, because the last thing I want, is to worry you!!
Monday, November 1, 2010
I'm sure many of you are confused about me getting baptized, because if you've known me for awhile, you know that a couple years ago, I was baptized, in the Fraser's creek, along with some of my closest buddies. A lot has happened since that day, and hopefully telling you about it, will clear up some of the confusion. When I was baptized, a long time ago, I had mis-understood what exactly salvation was, I was under the impression, that I was saved, because I had grown up going to church, with my parents, and knowing several bible stories.
As I got older, I started to understand a little more about the Bible, and about what salvation was. I began to question if I really was saved or not. It was about that time, that my dad started to read a chapter of Revelation at meal-time everyday. That made me very scared of 'The End Times'. So I started to talk to my mom, and Jeff about the doubts I was having, my mom then went to Debbie Allen who provided me with some tracks and books to read. It really helped me to understand a little more about what salvation was, and why I needed it, it also helped talking with good, strong Christians in my life having them there with me, to pray with me, and help me through this time of doubt. So I finally came to the conclusion that I wasn't saved, and I needed to be...And fast, because Jesus could come at any time, and I wanted to be ready- But at the same time... I didn't want me to struggle with the same doubts that I was having at that moment, all over again.
I wanted to be saved, with someone at my side. So that if there was ever any doubts, I could go to that person, and they could help to re-assure me, that I had in-fact said the prayer, and I was a Christian, because if there is one thing I know about the devil, it's that he uses doubt as a way to get to me. And my salvation, and who I am in Christ, is something that I want to be VERY sure about. So I had come to this conclusion on a Tuesday. I waited till later on in the day, and I called Pastor Bill. I asked him if he was going to be at AWANA the next day, and if we could find some time to talk, because I needed his help with something. So we both agreed on a time, and then got off the phone.
The next night at AWANA, on October 17th 2007 I was SO anxious, and nervous... I was on edge the whole night, finally the time came, Pastor Bill, pulled me aside, into what we call now 'The Old Sanctuary'… And we sat down together on the right side, third row from the back, He was on the right, and I on the left. ( I told you, I didn't want there to be any doubts, I made sure I memorized every detail) we sat there for awhile, and talked together about what had been going on, and He agreed with me, that if I was having doubts, it was best to put an end to them, and get saved. So, we talked a little bit more, then He asked me if I was ready to say the prayer.
We both bowed our heads, and closed our eyes, after sitting there for a second, I realized what was going on, jerking my head up, and opening my eyes, I said “Oh, wait, you wanted ME to say the prayer?”... He explained to me how I needed to do this myself. Because it would help me to be sure. And it would give me some power, over the devil, and the doubts he was throwing at me. So it was there, on that third pew from the back, on the right, October 17th 2007 somewhere around 6:30 P.M. That I prayed and accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. And every ounce of restlessness I had felt from earlier on in that evening, was gone.
I cried, and cried happy tears, because my heart was so filled with joy, and assurance, of my salvation.
And let me tell you, from that day, I haven't had a single doubt, of whether I was saved, or not. And every time I felt that Satan and his doubt was trying to creep back into my life, I would visit my pew and talk with Jesus. That pew was one of my 'Secret Places' where I met with God.
I'd also like to say that I'm VERY grateful for my church family, who has made an amazing impact in my life, and has helped me so much in my spiritual journey. And I'd like to say thank you to my parents, who have brought me to church, almost every Sunday of my life, without them, I wouldn't be where I am today. Thank you so much- I am very blessed to have you all!
So that Sunday, Pastor asked me, if I wanted to share my testimony, to the church, and I used my nursery as an excuse to get out of it, because again, If you know me fairly well, you know that I'm really not a huge fan of public speaking,
well, after that day, when I told him tat I'd rather not share my testimony, I've kicked myself. Not too long ago, Pastor said that he was putting together a baptism, and if anyone wanted to be baptized, to talk to him about it, after the service. All of a sudden, I thought to myself “i could use that as a way to share my testimony” because it seemed pretty selfish to let my stage- fright, get in the way of sharing what God has done for me.
So this Sunday, October 31st, I got baptized, and I couldn't be happier, that I shared my testimony. And as cold as it was, got baptized!