An Improv way of expressing my thoughts.

In some ways I feel like I'm better off- in others it seems like I'm right back at the start.
I want to start over.. brand new plans, new heart.. still the lessons that I've learned from these scars.
I want to be the best I can be, but I don't even know what that means.
I just want to let myself go and come back to find that my life is all that I've hoped. But I know it never works that way.
You have to put something in, to get it back.
The keys to the kingdom aren't just given away.
My efforts don't ever seem to help me find my way. I'm just here with my head in my hands thinking I've never really gotten past all this gray, that holds me in the shadows.. I'm wasting my life away. Smile on the outside, trying, trying.. but why even try- if your motives are fake. There's more than bringing yourself glory.. and the heartbreak that comes with it.
I feel like screaming.. but who would listen?
What's wrong with me? why can't I ever give this away? my hands could be empty, and shoulders free of the burdens they hold- shaking from all the weight. Still I hold on, trying to make things work (in truth, I've only made everything worse)
I want to be beautiful, despite this mess. To be seen from the inside, where I know I'm blessed.
I want my joy to be made complete.. to dance with the wind- let it take over me.. making me feel whole, complete, free.
Every morning, I walk on this sheet, knowing it will cave out from under me, at the smallest thing. So I try to walk lightly. That's no way to live. I want to be happy.. I know there's more than this.
I've been told all the answers.. I know what to do. But the first step is the hardest- That's why I need you. Help me let go, and be consumed.. by your fire, blazing on the inside- a hopeful candle, shining so bright. Help me to be filled with your power, that consumes all my doubt. Help me to let you be the one, to figure things out. Erase all my thoughts that aren't of you. Help me to be restored, completely new. I need your answers, I need you. Everything else can't wait. I'll press on to the goal- your heavenly gates. All else crumbling in hindsight, as was its fate. You are all that lasts.. all that stands. My future is in your hands. I want to rise with you, stand.. knowing you'll never let me fall. You are, Lord over all. I love you. Thanks for hearing me when I call.