His Ways are higher than my ways.... The Diary of a Control Freak

Sigh...
Yes, that's the opening statement I'm going with. Pretty solid.. Not!

Recently, I was reminded of a verse that doesn't usually camp out in my mind (Probably because the campground would be called Guilt Ledge.. where you can plummet onto the not-so-soft landing; known as depression!) Okay, That's probably a little..lot dramatic.
Seriously, though.. this verse kicked me right in the feels, bro!
 it says: "His (God's) ways are higher than my ways."

Pretty basic stuff. You wouldn't think that it would be such an eye-opener. It probably shouldn't be. But the sad reality is, it's completely applicable to my every day life.
I've always been a planner.. even when I was a kid. I would write a script for my barbies to follow..
 Yeah, my cousins would get SO mad.. "I'm going to make Kim say WHATEVER I WANT, Tamara!" so.. yeah, enough spilling about my childhood. That's totally embarrassing.

I like to know where I'm going, what I'm doing, when it needs to be done, how it needs to be done.. etc. I have it all mapped out and organized long before it's ever going to happen. The down side to that, being; I'm often let down because plans don't go exactly as I had hoped. 

 And this is where the verse comes in.. 
Little things in life, unexpected occurrences, believe-it-or-not, can often be a blessing in disguise. We have absolutely no way of knowing or planning everything. 
So wouldn't it make more sense to just let it happen? obviously, if it's happening and it was outside of the plans scribbled on paper, or memos in our phones- it's bigger than us, and out of our control. 
The more time we spend fighting against plans and/or trying to change them, the less time we have to enjoy what's going on.. beyond our tantrums about wanting things our way.
You would think after many meltdowns about my plans not going as I had hoped.. Or, times of not wanting to do things, and actually enjoying it, (after I got over my pouting.. Ahem) I would accept that God knows what He's doing. Everytime.
I have trouble with things I can't see/touch.. online learning.. Yeah, not for this girl. I guess sometimes I treat God the same way. Though I believe that He's real, and I've for sure felt His presence before- Like I said, it's hard to accept that things are just happening. I like to talk through change and have an outline of what is happening before it does.. So I can be prepared.

Lately, a lot has been happening that's SO much bigger than me. I'm trying to fix it, as always.. devise a plan of action and stick with it. A back up plan. Consider how all parties would react to me doing this.. The best things to say, what to avoid saying..etc. Sadly, it doesn't always work that way. Others involved have their own way of handling the situation, and it's not always in agreement with mine. I love to control my own thoughts and plans. But I'm not one to control anyone else, or pressure someone into doing something. So it feels like one step forward, two steps back.. I want it to happen a certain way, and it doesn't.. so I have to accept it and try to move on.
I think another frustrating thing would be that at 18, I don't even  have as much control over my life as I'd like to. 
I don't feel like I have a say in anything that is affecting my future. I don't know almost anything I was sure of just a week ago.. Life is really rocky.. And upside down, backwards.. Every direction but the one I'd like it to be.  I feel like I'm just standing on a little island all by myself, trying to see past the sun setting.. writing messages in bottles, sending them off- knowing deep down inside no-one will find them. At least, no one that can help. Still hoping something will come of it.

The thought has crossed my mind that maybe God is bringing me to rock bottom, again. To show me I CAN'T DO IT ALL ALONE.. No amount of planning or organizing, will amount to anything as wonderful as His plans for me. I've learned this in the past. But I guess it didn't take me too long to revert to my old self. I'm a creature of habit. No matter how much it hurts.. as of late, I've realized;
I have to let go of the control I love having..
I need to ask Him what He has in mind, before I do it.. ask permission, not forgiveness.
I have to stop stressing over every detail. Planning every moment- to watch it all fail. Because it wasn't meant to be. And I was too stubborn to even consider asking if it was in the first place. 
And that's only the beginning.. There's so much to do. But, I'm not in it alone.

God, 
help me, please.. to let go of my fears that keep me holding tight to the say I have in every little detail, the details that cushion me. And help to distract me from the big problems that I don't want to handle.
 Help me to pass the baton to you. I have plenty of history with you; Enough to know that you want what's best for me. And won't leave me to suffer, not without your peace and comfort.
 I can't handle all this pressure I put on myself.. the stress of life at moments like this. I need your help. I always have. I've just been too stubborn to ask for it. Or let go, when I do ask. 
There's only one boss here. And it's you.. Always has been. I'm trying, but I know I'll never fill your shoes. And I don't want to. Just 18 years of living my life has almost done me in. I can't imagine your burden. Bearing everyone's sorrows, forgiving and knowing their every sin. 
Still, you welcome the pathetic cries of me, and others like me. You still call me your child. When I don't understand myself, you remind me I'm made in your image. I am precious to you.. No matter my need to be planning and trying to take over what's rightfully yours.. 
Thank you. For not giving up on me. And for welcoming me back, when I give up on you.. Help me to let go. To give you my anxiety. It won't be easy. But rarely do good things come easily. And you know I'm not the kind to give up. Just help me to not get discouraged along the way.
I love you