Past Tamara Meet Present Tamara

Motherhood met me almost five years ago.. I was 20 years old and it consumed my every thought. Since I was a young girl I knew I wanted to be a mother someday. 

I wasn’t scared but I should have been. 

I had craft ideas, so many plans, traditions I wanted to start, stories I wanted to tell.. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought being a mom was the last piece in my puzzle that would make my life complete. 

Since then, I have been hit with a huge dose of reality. I have yelled, cried, said things I can never take back, lost my cool, dropped the ball, ran late, missed opportunities and the list goes on. I’m sure past Tamara would be appalled at present Tamara.. and sometimes it eats me alive. 

The guilt, things I never did, things I missed, things I can’t take back.. 

but past Tamara didn’t know just how hard things would get. 

Past Tamara didn’t know how tired I would be. 

Past Tamara didn’t know how different each child would be. 

Past Tamara didn’t know how short the days are.. and that’s okay because present Tamara does. I’m not the perfect mother I thought I would be but I am an experienced one. I can tell you my children’s dislikes, likes, fears, I can translate their gibberish, comfort them when they need me, provide for them and care for them in a way that no one else can because I have always been there. 

That’s what gives me solace in my bad days.. the days where I question if I’m doing enough. No matter how tired, scared, upset or lost I have been I’ve always made it work. 

Making it work is what being a mom is all about. It’s not about matching outfits and perfectly combed hair for church or an activity planned for every weekend.. sometimes it’s a mess, sometimes you fight/show up late/loose it.. everyone does! Mother’s are people just like everyone else.. while we are expected to be the glue that holds everything together it’s just not possible.. and that’s why God made children resilient. I can fight with my daughter and while I’m still sulking about how badly I handled the situation she is drawing me a picture. Your kids don’t want you to be perfect.. they just want you! So what if you don’t always “make it happen” sometimes just staying in, eating junk food and hanging out together on the couch is enough. Success isn’t measured by the things we often get caught up in. 

I’m not the mom I thought I would be.. turns out I have horrible patience and I stress too much. Do my kids love me anyway? Absolutely! And it’s beautiful.. so I’m going to learn a lesson from them and love me too. 

Remember, who you thought you would be is irrelevant because your past had no way of knowing what your future would bring.. cut yourself some slack and enjoy your present before it’s a part of your past you can never get back.