"Could be worse. Not sure how but it could"

To this day I can tell you my siblings favorite childhood TV shows. 

Brenda, Blues Clues. 

Chris, Bob the Builder.

Emma, Winnie the Pooh 

and Mary, Franklin and friends. 

Lately I feel like a character from Emma's favorite show: Eeoyre. 

Well.. To be honest I feel like Eeoyre but I'm acting like  a combination between him and his frantic friend, rabbit. 

I'm on full speed.. Making my list, getting it done.. Mumbling "oh bother" all the way. trying to "get my garden back" so to speak after the crows have come along or it's been trampled on by a very enthusiastic tigger.. Tigger could be a lot of things in my life.

 My daughter who only wants me to hold her but I can't be bothered because I'm trying to cook, clean, pay bills..

My husband who only wants to get away because he is with the baby all day everyday.. Yet I take offense and think he is escaping from me.

I'm at a place in my life where I feel so "on the verge" sometimes it's on the verge of screaming.. Other days it's crying.. But it hasn't been excitement for too long. I'm bogged down with money concerns, not enough hours in the day, comparing myself to others, feelings of failure as a mom, wife, daughter, friend, employee.. 

As a perfectionist or "Type A" person I constantly feel the need to improve myself.. Which means I also constantly feel that I'm the worst I've ever been. No matter how much I do there's always so much more I could be doing.. Once I get started, I have to finish (and in the most excellent way) I must be efficient.. And I crave the praise that I don't get. 

I'm locked in a prison I've built for myself. 

I want so badly to get away.. Love myself and all the world around me. Let there be messes.. Take my time.. Find peace. 

I know where to find it, God. He alone can give me the peace I so desperately need.. But that's only if I can surrender myself to Him.. Which is terrifying to me. 

I want to fix it. 

But I can't.. Oh bother.