Don't tear it down, Build a door!
We've all heard the saying "built a wall" we use it often in referring to people who have been through much and become closed off from others, in fear of being hurt again.
I've had this said of me before, as a matter of fact. Many people will try to (and it happened to me too!) "tear it down." I can say (also from experience) that it is not at all a pleasant experience. for those who are doing the demolishing and the trying to hold on to every brick.
I would strongly discourage you from doing this. It more than likely won't do any good for you or the others involved. In fact, I wouldn't hesitate to say that it may destroy a friendship.
So, here's a new concept: Don't tear it down, Build a door!
Many people, as I said, build these walls to "protect" themselves from being hurt anymore than they already have been. Unfortunately, it also doubles as a wall to keep in the hurt that's already been done. Many people don't realize this, until after the fact- once the damage has already been done. Some friends or concerned family will catch on to this and they will try to help. While that's sweet and much appreicated.. I can assure you that destroying the wall won't do any good.
While constantly living in the past is harmful to anyone.. it's often the response many resort to when trying to move on. Trying to figure things out is a huge part of healing. Like children, we don't easily accept answers such as "because" or, "I said so." we will argue until given a well-thought-out response.
Instead, try to be supportive and helpful to your friend. Don't let them hurt themselves anymore than they have been already. Try to help them find a happy place, and focus on the good things in life. Many times the things that bind us are "small" things. hurtful words, a song that reminds us of something..etc. so, try to replace them with happier "small" things. Ever heard the saying, "It's the little thing?" that applies to much of life.
trying to change people or tell them they are ridiculous, should move on, get over it..etc. Rarely goes over well. People don't need you to tell them things they already know. More importantly, they don't need your judgment or to feel like you're making efforts to change them. We are defensive and don't like to be flawed. We will make every effort to hide our dark secrets, mistakes or worries- to seem like we have it together. When you point out flaws.. people either shut down or things get ugly.
Anyway. I'm rambling by now. But you hopefully get my point.
I don't mean to sound like the hippies of the day when I say "all you need is love" (though I do like the Beetles) but it's partially true. Honesty, even when it hurts is good. But back to that love.. we need to speak the truth in love. Try to be empathetic when dealing with those who have gone through much. They need your support and friendship. Not judgment and misunderstanding. It's not always about understanding. I don't understand the first thing about math. But I understand that it's essential to my graduation and living, so I try hard to pass and get the right answer... I don't know "Y" finding X is so dang important. But if I can learn how to do it right, I get an A.. that letter, I do understand. This is the same thing. Not everyone handles things the way that you do. Something you can brush off may be a HUGE deal to someone else. Be patient and loving. Allow people to be upset when they need to be.
Don't try to change and control others. Accept them for all that they are, knowing you have made many mistakes or poor decisions as they.
Don't tear it down, Build a door.
I've had this said of me before, as a matter of fact. Many people will try to (and it happened to me too!) "tear it down." I can say (also from experience) that it is not at all a pleasant experience. for those who are doing the demolishing and the trying to hold on to every brick.
I would strongly discourage you from doing this. It more than likely won't do any good for you or the others involved. In fact, I wouldn't hesitate to say that it may destroy a friendship.
So, here's a new concept: Don't tear it down, Build a door!
While constantly living in the past is harmful to anyone.. it's often the response many resort to when trying to move on. Trying to figure things out is a huge part of healing. Like children, we don't easily accept answers such as "because" or, "I said so." we will argue until given a well-thought-out response.
Instead, try to be supportive and helpful to your friend. Don't let them hurt themselves anymore than they have been already. Try to help them find a happy place, and focus on the good things in life. Many times the things that bind us are "small" things. hurtful words, a song that reminds us of something..etc. so, try to replace them with happier "small" things. Ever heard the saying, "It's the little thing?" that applies to much of life.
trying to change people or tell them they are ridiculous, should move on, get over it..etc. Rarely goes over well. People don't need you to tell them things they already know. More importantly, they don't need your judgment or to feel like you're making efforts to change them. We are defensive and don't like to be flawed. We will make every effort to hide our dark secrets, mistakes or worries- to seem like we have it together. When you point out flaws.. people either shut down or things get ugly.
Anyway. I'm rambling by now. But you hopefully get my point.
I don't mean to sound like the hippies of the day when I say "all you need is love" (though I do like the Beetles) but it's partially true. Honesty, even when it hurts is good. But back to that love.. we need to speak the truth in love. Try to be empathetic when dealing with those who have gone through much. They need your support and friendship. Not judgment and misunderstanding. It's not always about understanding. I don't understand the first thing about math. But I understand that it's essential to my graduation and living, so I try hard to pass and get the right answer... I don't know "Y" finding X is so dang important. But if I can learn how to do it right, I get an A.. that letter, I do understand. This is the same thing. Not everyone handles things the way that you do. Something you can brush off may be a HUGE deal to someone else. Be patient and loving. Allow people to be upset when they need to be.
Don't try to change and control others. Accept them for all that they are, knowing you have made many mistakes or poor decisions as they.
Don't tear it down, Build a door.
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