Excuse me...

 STRUGGLING

I know one day I will look back on this period I'm in and feel proud of myself.. but right now, in the thick of it, I am feeling overwhelmed.

I'm a full time student, full time employee, full time mom, running a side gig and we have soccer, dance, church.. etc. 

I'm constantly juggling so many things and lately I feel like I'm not doing the best.

It's overwhelming when you have young children and feel like their every move hinges on your action or inaction. If they aren't where they need to be, papers aren't signed, things aren't done in a certain manner.. etc I'm the one to blame. I have to make sure they are showered, dressed, properly rested, fed.. It's a lot to manage as well as taking care of myself.

speaking of which, I don't think I've been doing much self care lately. I am the easiest thing to drop when my plate is full because nobody else will be mad as a result. I know that's not the right way to think/look at things but that's where I'm at.

Nobody else will suffer if I am sad or tired. If I didn't do my hair today or watch my shows. Only me.

I feel like it takes all my time/mental energy just to survive. Thriving doesn't seem to be an option. And if I'm going to thrive, it's going to be in school or at work. Those are things I can get a grade for, or at least a little recognition.

What do I get for taking care of myself? nothing.. so where is the incentive?

This sounds extremely dark- I know that. I can recognize that. I should probably get some help with all these thoughts going through my head.

I am not myself lately. I have been withdrawn. I have been down. 

But I don't know how to get out. When I try to look up, all I see is the overwhelming list of things I need to be doing.

One day, I'll have a degree, a raise to go with the title by my name.. my kids will be older.. and things will be easier. Right? please, someone tell me that's right. I need something to look forward too.

I just hope I don't miss too many things while I'm stuck in this rut. I hope I can find a better life/work/school balance.