Who knew

Who knew having a baby would change my world forever.. but not for the normal reasons. The baby hasn’t changed my life anywhere near as much as the anesthetic I received. I can handle waking up every few hours, baby weight, the bleeding and hormonal stuff.. it sucks, but you get through it. How? Because you know it all gets better and you have a sweet baby as your reward. 

What I can’t handle, is knowing that one needle in my back for a few moments of relief has led to chronic numbness, sharp pains, trouble walking, standing, sleeping, tingling, having to put all my weight on one side, not being able to drive or hold my kids.. and the list goes on. 

I can’t walk in public without strangers staring at me trying to figure out why I’m walking with a limp.. I get it, I look young and healthy I would probably be curious too. 

I can only wear 2 pairs of my shoes, my foot swells after standing on it for awhile. I’m always in pain, I can’t make my foot stay in the position it’s supposed to be, I can’t stand in the shower.. 

I absolutely hate having to ask someone to drive me places. I’m leaving a job that I love and it’s all totally out of my control. There’s no answers to when it will get better or if it will get better. I’m trying to stay positive and unless you are asking I try to not talk about it because I know it just sounds like I’m whining.. and I probably am but I don’t know how else to cope. I’m 24 and every other part of me feels full of life. It kills me to be limited and avoid certain situations/places because of the walking or standing involved. 

I used to be at the front of the line, taking my family on adventures and hoping they could keep up.. now I’m worried that all I do is hold them back.