Depression

It can take many forms.. sometimes it's obvious, loud, in-your-face! 

but usually, people suffer in silence. 

That's where I come in.

I'm known for being organized, bubbly, fun-loving and kind of silly.. and I am genuinely all of those things but there's so much more to me.

Inside, I find myself anxious, overwhelmed, sad, discouraged.. sometimes I can't even pin-point why. I just am. I don't like to be this way so I put on a mask (usually, the more upset I am the happier I seem in public) I know there are some who would love me in spite of my depression but its still so scary to be open about it.. to say the word and admit that I have a HUGE cloud over my head 90% of the time.

Before I had kids I was very open about my issues. I had no problem reaching out and asking for help.. but now, I feel selfish if I put any focus on myself at all. I know its crazy, irrational and dangerous.. I know I put WAY too much pressure on myself to be "perfect" 

but here we are...

I want to give my children the best life possible. I don't want them to ever look back and think they suffered because we didn't have enough money or nice things. I missed out on a lot as a kid coming from a big family on one income.. 

I've realized recently that I have put focus on all the wrong things. 

Money won't make me a better mom,

being a minute or two late to work doesn't make me a terrible employee,

a messy house doesn't mean that I'm failing,

Not looking my best doesn't make me ugly,

saying "no" doesn't make me selfish,

staying home instead of going out doesn't make me anti-social,

my kids aren't counting how many times a week I make dinner VS giving them a sandwich.. 

TIME

Time is the most important gift I can give anyone.

SELF CARE

Self care is vital.. I can't fill from an empty basket

I try so hard to be a kind person who puts everyone else first but I can't do it forever and be truly happy. Sometimes, I need to focus on my own needs and problems. I have to help me, love me and look out for me. Hiding my problems won't help me overcome them.

I've been trying to find simple ways I can get better. 

  First, I had to talk to my doctor and ask for help.. It was way harder than it should have been. Being pregnant I felt guilty for saying "I'm unhappy" because pregnancy is such an amazing gift. I have so many friends who can't have babies of their own. I had to tell myself it was okay to ask for help.

  secondly, I had to switch my surroundings.. I have learned that I am a very impressionable person. The people I spend time with, things I watch, music I listen too and places I go greatly affect my attitude and personality. So, I have made it a point to only listen to christian music, watch things that won't fill my head with fear or sadness, only spend time with people who can build me up or be a good example.

 And Third, I have decided to start writing again. I used to write a lot and as my life got busier I'm not really sure what happened. I've realized that I have plenty to say- it's all been in my head looking for a way to get out.. so here we go

This is a journey to a better me. A me that doesn't stress over the little things and tries to find joy in everyday life. I will try my best to only invest in those who will invest in me, talk when I need too and give myself a break instead of working my fingers to the bone.